Бай Гуро пратил верни свои хора да търсят лидер, който да е подходящ за пастор в неговата църква.
Ето част от конфиденциалният доклад.
„За съжаление, въпреки че имаше обещаващи кандидатури, не можахме да намерим кандидат, отговарящ на всички изисквания на пасторският пост в тази църква,. Благодарим на всички за предложенията. Свързахме се с всички потенциални кандидати, проведохме интервюта и проверихме техните референции. Прилагаме кратка оценка на всеки кандидат.
Адам: Добър мъж, но има проблеми с жена си. Един от референтите му сподели, че Адам и жена му имали навика да ходят голи в гората.
Ной: Бил е пастор в продължение на 120 години без да придобие нито един новопокаял се. Склонен да предприема нереалистични строителни проекти.
Йосиф: Велик мислител, но самохвалко. Вярва в тълкуване на сънища и е бил в затвора.
Мойсей: Скромен и кротък човек, но не умее да говори пред публика. Понякога вдига скандали и говори прибързано на бизнес срещи.
Давид: Един от най-обещаващите кандидати, докато разбрахме, че е танцувал по бели гащи и че е кръшнал с жената ближния си.
Соломон: Мъдър проповедник, но има сериозен проблем с жените.
Илия: Склонен е да се отчайва.
Осия: Нежен и любящ пастор, но много от настоящите лидери никога няма да преглътнат професията на жена му.
Йона: По време на интервюто ни каза, че е бил погълнат от голяма риба. След това ни каза, че рибата го изплюла на морския бряг. Ние просто му посочихме вратата.
Амос: Много провинциален. Направо селяндур – изостанал и с неизискани маниери. Ако изкара обучение в библейско училище или университет, може и да стане подходящ кандидат. Обаче, има силна неприязън към богатите хора.
Йоан: Казва че е баптист, ама не се облича като такъв. По време на хваление си вдига и двете ръце и пляска на нечетен такт. (Знаете, че на хора с неговия пост позволяваме да вдигат само едната ръка и да пляскат на четен такт, но може да скачат). Често спи навън, яде странни неща и предизвиква деноминационните лидери.
Петър: Произхожда от работническата класа. Лесно се гневи. Много е независим и непредвидим.
Павел: Удивителен проповедник и има вид на преуспял корпоративен мениджър. Обаче, му липсва такт, рязък е, и се знае, че проповядва по цяла нощ.
Тимотей: Твърде млад.
Исус: По едно време е бил много популярен, но когато църквата му станала 5000 души, Той успял да ги обиди до такава степен, че църквата му се стопила до 12 човека. Рядко се задържа на едно място за дълго време. И, разбира се, не е женен.
Юда: Има солидни препоръки. Работи бавно, но сигурно. Има добри връзки. Умее да управлява парични потоци. Изключително дипломатичен. Препоръчваме тази седмица да го поканим да проповядва в църквата, преди да му предложим вакантния пост.
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Wer nicht liebt Wein, Weib, und Gesang, Der bleibt ein Narr sein Lebenlang.
– Herr Doktor
11 коментара:
:) бравус:) оригинално представяне:) на кандидатите:)
Ама това не е ли понижение в ранга - изтъкнати библейски водачи, пророци и апостоли да се борят за пасторското кресло.
Май бая келепир има да си пастор?!
А докъде е стигнал бай Гуро с поканите? Дали ще стигне до нашата диспенсация, та да има и лъч на надежда за някои от нас?
Поздравления Мите, идеята ми харесва, забавно, оригинално и с изненадващ (поне за някои) край. Това което обаче се долавя според мен във повечето разкази е усещането, че разказваш някой виц или прочетена другаде история и Бай Гуро просто е закачен за сюжета. И понеже на мен героят ми харесва и ми се струва, че има хляб за много и хубави разкази с него, съветът ми е оптай да развиеш образа на Гуро, като го поставяш в разнообразна обстановка и го срещаш с различни герои. И всичко това, разбира се, ако имаш време и вдъхновение.
Последните две ти ги желая от сърце :)
Благодаря на всички за коментарите.
Благодаря и за пожеланията.
Според мен да се развива герой е нелека задача. Особено, ако е такъв комико-трагичен образ като Бай-Гуро. За момента, това е твърде голяма хапка за моите уста. Затова събирам оттук-оттам историйки, които определено не са съвсем оригинални, но въпреки това са показателни за явлението "Бай-Гуро" От друга страна, Бай - Гуровщината не признава национални, културни или деноминационни граници, затова, нищо чудно повечето истории да са deja vu. Случките се носят от уста на уста... Аз съм един прост келнер, който надава ухо и записва в тефтера. Накратко - това е кръчменски фолклор. Но, ако даде Бог, да се покажа верен в малкото, и да развия талантите които ми е дал, ще се опитам да разработя Бай Гуровия образ.
Докато това стане, каня всеки, който има идеи и / или знае някакви весели истории с Бай Гуровци от всякакъв род, да пише или на 100-именов или на мен mitko.todoroff@abv.bg, и ние ще ги публикуваме.
Знаете как става с шегите и вицовете - те са като верижна реакция - един разказан виц сред весела компания, вдъхновява поне още два, те - поне четири и така нататък и така нататък.
Няма да споменавам за количеството напитки, които вървят заедно с лафа.
Наздраве!
Изтрезняване 3
Омръзна ми от кандидати,
за поста "Пастор със кола",
от нормативни постулати
и телеса по сто кила!
Писна ми от стипцави лимони
и заджиздени "интелигенции",
от недействащи в живот закони
и петдесятни идулгенции!
Нагледах се на пораженци,
с празен дух, но със дисаги,
напълнени от чужди менци
и крещящи за ... тояги!
Омръзна ми от папагали,
наплашени да казват "да",
от просене на капитали
и тъпа робска "свобода"!
Вкиснах се от (п)реформации,
"от твоя, в моят джоб сега",
от гримирани rock'n формации,
навяващи по кво тъга?
Наслушах се на дезертьорки,
със козметични гласове,
на феминистки и суфльорки,
със светско-модни гъзове!
Онемях от Мачо ДонЖуани,
плакнещи очички похотливи,
дебнещи по лагерни поляни,
"сестрички" със мотиви криви!
Копнея за нелицемерно братство,
за единство без стени и маски,
за дела неносещи богатство
и без внедрени ДъСъ каски!
Жадувам за семейното общение,
на равенство и дарби споделени,
на проницателност и освещение
и любов пулсираща във вени!
Призовавам към пристегнати колани,
към вярност в развратени времена,
към упование във Неговите рани
и към свити от сърцето колена!
Заставам срещу пъстри панаири,
опияняващи с вина религиозни,
оставам трезвен пред секири,
сплашващи със вежди грозни!
И виждам, че малцина от мнозина,
но достатъчно, за Сватба са готови,
за другите цените в магазина,
май извор са на "идеали" нови...
23. 08. 2006 г.
Прага
Кражбата е хубаво нещо, особено ако можем да обвиним някой друг, докато ние я вършим. А ето и оригиналния текст от където е откраднат и преведен (отчасти) постинга.
http://www.blessedquietness.com/journal/housechu/pastoral.htm
PASTORAL CANDIDATES YOU MAY WANT TO LOOK INTO
By Steve Van Nattan and our Readers
This is not always literal, but it concludes accurately for today's world!
Pastoral Candidates
The following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered for a pastorate.
Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking naked in the woods. When once confronted with his sins, he tried to pass all the blame onto his wife.
Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with not even one convert. Prone to unrealistic building projects. After being delivered from danger by God, this man went on a roaring drunk.
Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man. Came only seconds from intentionally killing his son on one occasion. When given an opportunity to live in a gracious community, he lost this chance to better himself by letting a backslidden nephew take the opportunity. We fear he could fall into poverty and be a burden on our church family.
Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record. It seems he has spent most of his life in abject slavery, and this makes us wonder if he is prepared to deal with highly placed businessmen and community leaders. Once he even set up a man on a charge of theft and had him sent to prison.
Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. This casts doubt on his alleged origins as a foster child of the Pharaohs in Egypt. Such a background would certainly produce a great orator. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge. Also, we feel his inter-racial marriage would cause tension in our assembly.
David: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor's wife. He also seems to need to kill his enemies rather than form ecumenical associations.
Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.
Elijah: Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure. Mocks at ecumenical gatherings as other ministers worship, on one occasion even inspiring them to hack themselves up with knives. Was last seen chasing cars on foot!
Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.
Jehu: This man shows every indication of being filled with zeal and energy. He is, like most pastors, always in a hurry, and the local police can tell from far off when he is driving into town by the cloud of dust in the distance. But, Jehu's Zeal is highly hazardous. He at one time surreptitiously called a meeting of all the ecumenical religious leaders in his community, sequestered them in the church sanctuary, and then he and his friends killed all the ministers in cold blood. He once shot a man in the back for just asking, "Is it peace?" He also showed very low esteem for the leaders of the nation when he once called for the wife of the king to be cast out of her bedroom window into the street, where he then allowed the dogs to eat her. He does seem to befriend some useful people, though one of his friends is Jehonadab, a man famous his legalistic attacks on alcoholic beverages. This man, not content to just kill the famous royal ecumenical King Ahab, joined Jehu in killing off virtually every remaining relative of the king. The pulpit committee was not only horrified that Jehu would dare to think of pastoring a church-- We have forwarded his resume to the FBI and Homeland Security. We understand that the Palestinians are descendants of Jehu's friend, Jehonadab.
Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his wife's occupation.
Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of a foreign river. Those who have read his writings have destroyed them at once due to his offensive language. For example, his last book was tossed in the Euphrates River.
Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language. Openly admits his lips are unclean.
Jonah: Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. He also claimed to have a sign ministry in growing pumpkins to full size in only one day. Though he has a very bad attitude toward those to whom he preaches, he would be a great blessing in a signs and wonders ministry. He does have a small problem with the odor about him-- smells a bit like fish vomit.
Amos: Too backward and unpolished. His chief experience is in herding cattle and gathering figs. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people--might fit in better in a poor congregation.
Melchizedek: Great credentials at current work place, but where does this guy come from? No information on his resume about former work records. Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to supply a birth date.
John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders. Has very poor tact when in the company of royalty. Rumor has it though that he will not be under consideration much longer for a pulpit since he has tormented the great religious king Herod and his wife about their personal marriage arrangements.
Peter: Too blue collar. Is said to return to fishing at the most improper times. Has a bad temper-even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.
Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night. Also, Paul has a physical problem which would make him hard to look at as he preaches. Once started a civil uproar, and then fled by going over the wall in a basket. Has been seen visiting with Arabs on a ship from Adramitum (south Arabia). Once spent the winter with Publius, a notorious pagan on a primitive island. At that place he started a church be initiating a snake handling ministry. But, he is probably not really under consideration for our pulpit, for the last report has him in Rome under house arrest. Seems to get himself into much too much trouble.
James and John: Package deal preacher and associate seemed good at first, but found out they have an ego problem regarding other fellow workers and seating positions. Threatened an entire town after an insult. Also known to try to discourage workers who didn't follow along with them. Reference: Diotrophese, a fine leader in a church under John's care, reports that he was summarily dumped out of the church after John wrote a letter instructing the church leaders to do so. Seems very high handed. He is also fond of forcing his parishioners to admit openly that they are sinners, and calls them liars if they decline. Tradition says that he once walked right into the stronghold of bandits and killers to rescue a backslidden former convert, while the whole local church told him not to do it. Too brash and bold.
Timothy: Too young! He has a mixed heritage, being fathered by a Greek, and we KNOW what that means. Also, wine was found in his refrigerator by a deacon in his church.
Methuselah: Too old . . . WAY too old!
Jesus: Has had popular times, but once his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all, and his church then dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. Owns nearly nothing and would be a very needy man if we called him, for he borrows virtually everything he needs, or his friends have to support him. He has been seen on many occasions having very cordial visits with sinners and tax collectors. He absolutely refuses to teach his followers how to avoid paying taxes as a form of good stewardship. On one occasion, when confronted with a whore, who was caught red handed in sin and worthy of stoning, Jesus just let her go and told her to stop sinning. He seems inordinately preoccupied with demons, casting them out of people everywhere he goes. He compliments those who give very little in the offering and mocks at those who give heavily. He allows some people to worship him, while others he rebukes for merely calling him "good". He has drawn many death threats due to his open rejection of the great religious Ecumenical leaders. On one occasion, he walked boldly into the biggest church in the area and made havoc of their fund raising program and whipped many of the leaders and helpers with a whip. It seems it would be very dangerous to be too close to Jesus. He even warns his followers that they will suffer if they follow him. And, of course, he's single. Much of his teaching sounds suicidal, pointing to some day of death and doom for himself. This would be a very negative ministry, and we are seeking power in positive thinking in our next pastor.
Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Is very zealous to gather funds to feed the poor. Good connections. Has been the trusted treasurer during the ministry of Jesus. Was once seen embracing Jesus Christ, which is a very encouraging proof of his loyalty to Jesus. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here. Rumors have it that he took his life yesterday, but this seems highly unlikely with his great history and future potential.
Balaam: Has had an anointed prophetic ministry and has made appearances with Balac on The 700 Club. Is in very close contact with royalty, who pay him well for his services. He is famous for his politically correct ability to communicate with the animal kingdom. Also, he is well versed in alternate ethical choices and solutions. Should be exceptional in a marriage counseling ministry. If Judas does not work out, this candidate should be strongly considered.
Lucifer: Started his career as the Minister of Music in the highest places. Is extremely gifted in music, and is the original motivator of Contemporary Christian Music and Rock Music in the churches. Was unjustly fired from his position for trying to merely be like God. His next ministry was as staff pastor in the brush arbor Edenic Bible Conference where he lead his whole congregation to convert to his self-love theology. Thereafter; he has had the highest recommendations of many institutions which he himself founded, such as, the Freemasons, Druid Christianity, The Jesuit Order, Opus Dei, Promise Keepers, the Brownsville River of Renewal which he still inspires, many large denominations, such as the United Methodist Church, the Episcopal Church, and the Southern Baptist Convention which he staffed with his Masonic co-workers. He has about 6000 years of experience with motivating Human relations from the lowest places, to the Royal Family of Great Britain, Nancy Reagan, and Hillary Clinton. In recent times, Billy Graham has approved of Lucifer's ministry among Buddhists, stating that they will be going to heaven also. He comes with uncountable ministers of light and truth who help him wherever he goes. This candidate would of course be our first choice. Our pulpit committee is trying to make contact with Lucifer if per chance he would be willing to pastor our church. His highly placed heritage may preclude his coming to our small congregation. An old crank on the pulpit committee claims Lucifer is already pastoring our church, which is of course preposterous, since we cannot see him anywhere in our midst.
Драги Анонимни посетителю на Кръчмето,
Благодаря за това, че прати тази история по избор на пастор, която ти твърдиш, че е оригинала. За съжаление, трябва да те разочаровам - оригинала за моя постинг ми беше пратен от един мой приятел, който вече почти десетилетие живее в чужбина. Той ми каза, че върху тази история няма авторско право (бил я прочел или в хумористичния ежемесечен бюлетин,който клуба на несемейните младежи в неговата църква издава или в някакъв християнски форум, но определено не си спомня име на автор). И освен това, му се струвала подходяща да се нагоди за Българската действителност.
Ето го самия оригинал:
Report from the Pastor Search Committee:
We do not have a happy report to give. We have not been able to find a
suitable candidate for this church, though we have one promising prospect.
Thank you for your suggestions. We have followed up on each one with
interviews or by calling at least three references. The following is our
confidential report.
ADAM: Good man but has problems with his wife. One reference told us how he
and his wife enjoyed walking nude in the woods.
NOAH: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic
building projects.
JOSEPH: A big thinker, but a braggart; believes in dream interpreting and
has a prison record.
MOSES: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator; even stutters at times.
Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly in business meetings. Some say he
left an earlier church over a murder charge.
DEBORAH: One word --- Female.
DAVID: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he
had with his neighbor's wife.
SOLOMON: Great preacher, but serious woman problem.
ELIJAH: Prone to depression; collapses under pressure.
HOSEA: A tender and loving pastor, but our people could never handle his
wife's occupation.
JONAH: Told us he was swallowed up by a great fish. He said the fish later
spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
AMOS: Too much of a country hick. Backward and unpolished. With some
seminary training, he might have promise; but he has a hang-up against
wealthy people.
JOHN: Says he is a Baptist, but doesn't dress like one. May be too
Pentecostal. Tends to lift both hands in the air to worship when he gets
excited. You know we limit to one hand. Sleeps in the outdoors, has a weird
diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
PETER: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper, even said to have cursed. He's a
loose cannon.
PAUL: Powerful CEO type and fascinating preacher. However, he's short on
tact, unforgiving with young ministers, harsh, and has been known to preach
all night.
TIMOTHY: Too young.
JESUS: Has had popular times, but once when his church grew to 5000, He
managed to offend them all; and his church dwindled down to twelve people.
Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he is single.
JUDAS: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good
connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this
Sunday in view of a call.
Сега, както можем да видим,има разлики между двете истории. Възможно е и двете да са версии на един и същ оригинал. Или пък по-кратката история да е послужила за изграждане на по-дългата.А може и обратното да е станало (което, ако се съди по размера, тежкия стил и и многото автори на по-дългия доклад, е по-малко вероятно).
Който и да е оригинала, важното е, че той осмива една порочна практика на избор на водачи в църквата, основана на куп плътски критерии. Разбира се, всички църкви са изкушавани от подобно "вървене в плътта", но някои направо са потопени в него. Тресе ги Бай-Гуровщината, дето се вика.
Анонимни читателю, виждам, че имаш изострено чувство за справедливост, както и имаш на сърце да пишеш за бай Гуро. Ето, потретям поканата - който има идеи и / или знае някакви весели истории с Бай Гуровци от всякакъв род, да пише или на 100-именов или на мен mitko.todoroff@abv.bg, и ние ще ги публикуваме.
Ако държиш на авторски права и т.н. ще е необходимо да си кажеш името и да пишеш на кръчмаря 100-Именов за повече информация по въпросите, които те вълнуват.
Както неведнъж съм казвал, не претендирам за оригиналност. Аз не правя "брандинг" (за тези к/о не са запознати с този термин, това е нещо като "опикаване на територията" при някои бозайници) нито съм тръгнал да продавам нещо. Обичам, обаче, да се надсмивам над Бай-Гуровското, както в себе си, така и у другите.
Хич не ми пука, дали ще споменавате името ми, ако преразказвате някоя Бай-Гуровска история, която ви е харесала. Това за което ми пука е, дали смеейки се, ще направите стъпка в порицаването и премахването на Бай-Гуровщината в и около вас самите.
Наздраве :-)
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